What was I thinking?
Updated: Oct 4, 2020
On the way back from seeing that beautiful van, my beautiful little Citroen broke down. I was stuck on an A-road and had to wait for the AA man to arrive. As it got dark and the sun sunk on the horizon, I felt all alone and, to be honest, petrified.
I’m now worried that it’s not going to make it to the destination I have to get to. I should have sorted it yesterday, but then there was the ‘hire car’ or courtesy car aspect to consider. Would they get it done in time? I just thought, No. Wing it. Hopefully, it will be ok until I get to my destination, then I can sort it out from there.
Then, I have the worry of mum going into hospital. Having a few mini strokes in a row is no simple business. It’s frightening. Worrying. Scary.
Of course, I know many people who have gotten through it and worked harder at coming back from it, but I don’t know if my mother is made of that stuff. I keep telling myself, she ill. She’s not well. She’s definitely needing help. Physical and emotional support from all those who are surrounding her. It’s kind of a stressful situation to be in.
I’m also in that horribly tiring position of being surrounded by boxes - and bags and I don’t know where anything is. It doesn’t matter how well you pack, there’s always something you need buried in a box at the bottom of the pile.
Regardless of all this going on around me, I transferred the huge sum of £250 to Jon
I wanted it. After all the vans I had travelled the country to see, there was no way I was going to let this one go.
But, wait a minute...
£250 for a van I knew nothing about. With £12,250.00 to settle? What on earth had I done?
The thing was, it has:
no space under the bed - I’d basically be sleeping on an electricity box – the batteries were located there and that didn’t please me one little bit. I’m a light sleeper anyway, so having what amounted to a fire hazard under my head didn’t kind of make me feel very peaceful.
Plus, all these scenarios of changing the water, the gas tank, figuring out the electric supply – solar, gas, leisure or car battery.
What was I thinking?
I had not a clue about any of this. Fine if you have a (please forgive me, feminists!) man around who’s a gadget freak and able to do these things logically and in his stride. You have to admit it, men are made for these types of things. They’re wired for playing with things they don’t understand. But me?
I wanted to phone the bank up and stop the money going through.
I wanted to send an email to Jon to let him know that I had decided not to go through with it. An email? Yes, a cop out. I wanted to say...
“Look, I’m sorry, I have all these things going on around me... and I think it's a desperate attempt to get away from it all. Trouble is, I just know those troubles will follow me wherever I go..."
When you think aboout it, some people would crumble under the weight of all these events, decisions and situations throwing themselves at me just now. It all seems out of my control… it is, I believe, trying to taunt me into a better way of life. Of pushing me into a decision.
But what do I do?
I just fret inside, deep and unnoticed by the world at large.
Oddly, the thought that I now have a van made me feel slightly better. Just making a decision has lifted my ebbing spirits.
Kaye is a freelance publisher, author and certified psychotherapist with over three decades of experience. She is also a writer for various blogs about writing, publishing, travelling and health care.
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