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  • kaye bewley

My campervan represents...

Updated: Oct 4



In my diary, I follow the patterns of the moon. Crazy I know. But if it’s good enough for farmers of old, Native American Indians and Aborigines, then it’s good enough for me. Today, is the last quarter and from its influence, this week, we’re supposed to…


Learn from experience and benefit from creation

Now, wouldn’t that be a fine thing!


I’ve got lots of experiences and I’m creating lots of things… at the moment, I’m truly hampered by my permanent job.


Permanent, to me sounds like concrete hell.

As though I’m stuck in it for the rest of my life. But I’m not. I know I’m not. I have skills. I have many, many experiences that I can put to use, to benefit me, others and the wider world. I have plans. I have my van. The trouble is that...


…I keep feeling this intense sorrow.

It’s not depression. Depression is really a kind of sadness that we don’t know how to deal with. We’ve forgotten it’s sadness by giving it another label. A label that kind of makes it sound more important than merely feeling ‘sad’. Plus, it gives the drug industry an excuse to make more money I guess. But that’s another story, for another time.


Right now, this sadness is like a deep ache in my stomach. Not my heart.


Actually, my heart feels numb.

In fact, I felt so sad at one point that I began to list all the mistakes and wrong decisions I had made in my life that had led me to this situation.


As a therapist, I always ask people to make lists of positive situations, achievements, abilities, things they had done for the benefit of others… all the while, my own list consisted of disappointments, failures, badly made decisions…


What the hell kind of therapist am I if I can't practice what I preach?

Of course, it’s only natural to do this. It’s a way of cleaning out the cupboards, wiping away the cobwebs and breathing new life and putting a little light into something that is so dark. I understand that and don’t dissuade people from doing the same.


Positive reflections do help a lot more, they give hope, they offer direction, their real intention is to give a little meaning back to life.


However, the list I created began to consist of the chronological date ordered events that had happened. One that would help me learn from my own experiences and benefit from the creation of them.


So I sat down and wrote in a formal manner - from birth to the present day - of all the paths I had taken, the corners I had turned, the crossroads I had faced and the decisions I had arrived at.


It is a very interesting list that I might share one day...

But, like how you were supposed to watch 'Game of Thrones' - from an outsiders point of view, looking at the whole picture, rather than the little stories that weave them together, looking at my life makes me understand why I've ended up wanting what the van is supposed to represent for me:


Freedom.





Author’s Bio:

Kaye is a freelance publisher, author and certified psychotherapist with over three decades of experience. She is also a writer for various blogs about writing, publishing, travelling and health care.


Feel free to visit her BewleyBooks.com site, where you can sign-up to follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn and YouTube.


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I do not get paid for my private work - I operate a non-profit service.  I admit I am 'unemployed' (i.e. not in regular employment, since the start of the first lockdown in the UK in March 2020) and, along with the other 3 million people in this country, I do not receve any government handout or grants. 
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